I was just re-reading some of my older posts and I was quite shocked about the negativity in at least the last two of them. Wow, was I down then. But then I know myself: I am like this about once a month – luckily it never stays like that for long. I am still working on my “taking responsibility” and “standing up for myself”-issues. I am still not the best possible mother, wife or horse owner. But I feel that I am, and that my family as a whole is, on a very good path now.
Ok so there is some new trouble with our stable, as one of the three women in our “cooperation” can no longer do as much work as before. But this has not thrown me into desperation. I am worried, I am looking for solutions, I am discussing it with my husband and so on. But I believe that we WILL go on, that there WILL be a way – because this is the best solution I ever had for keeping my horse, and I want to go on this way. The horses have been together for a year this autumn, and they are a lovely herd and feel safe with each other. The stable is very protected from outside influences, we three women and our menfolk are the only people taking care of the horses, with some well chosen exceptions in times when one of us was away. This protection is very important for my horse, as he takes up bad vibes from people and gets sick.
My own riding issues made him ill last winter, so I could not ride him for a while. But I got over at least part of my fears and am now able to ride him much more easily and lots faster. I even took along another horse two or three times, which could not have been thought of a year back. This change last summer made the year 2010 my best riding year ever. Trail riding still holds lots of challenges for me, but I have gained so much courage, that I now sincerly believe that one day, I will be completely at ease riding him by myself in the countryside.
As for work I had a very bad phase in autumn, after my last “appraisal inverview” with my boss. She told me about my shifting between professional and inapproprate behaviour, and that she did not see much improvement in my behavior patterns. I was really crushed and – like every two years or so – was thinking about having me checked out for ADHS. I don´t have a diagnosis, but when I was a kid my parents used to tell my teachers that I had ADHS. Since I learned that this can still be an issue when you are an adult I am from time to time thinking about doing something about it. But then I find myself wondering about the sense of it, as I am not willing to have myself medicated or anything like that. And would it not just be an excuse to hide behind, or even a kind of mental prison? Does ADHS even exist? Are not just all people different, and some more that others.? I just don´t know.
I have now decided to leave my job by the end of 2011. This decision made me so happy: I have now a perspective and I can start dreaming again. It took me such a long time to take this decision as many things spoke against it: it is a great job with many opportunities, my boss is capable and fair, I love my work mates, it gets never boring, and the pay is very good. For a long time this was the best place for me to be. But it no longer is. When I moved from bookselling to information management it was the right decision. But leaving now, maybe going back to the books in some way, feels absolutly right, too. It helps that our financial situation is pretty stable right now, so it wont destroy us when I earn less.
2011 will also be another year for nonviolent communication training. Last years family camp was such a wonderful experience for all of us that we decided on the spot to go again. I wish it was summer already I also want to start a year long advanced training course, but this may or may not be in the budget. Sometimes it feels like nothing has changed since my husband and I took up nonviolent communication. We still feel like absolute beginners. But when I look closer and with a more positive outlook I can see the change. There is a new awareness, discussiones tend to go deeper, and we are capable of changing track faster than before. We are both very sure that this is a good thing for us and absolutly want to go on.
The funny thing happening in my life right now is that everything starts to seem connected. For example I am currently reading a book by Mary Ann Simonds: Was Pferde wirklich brauchen. The way she talks about horses needs and how we can communicate with animals in a completly different way, is very closly related to what my riding teacher tries to explain to me for ages now. It also is pretty similar to some ot the stuff I read in the blog Equine Insanity. The writer of this blog apparently just read a book on nonviolent communication. And of course the empathy taught by nonviolent communication trainers is very close to the way of communication with animals that Simonds talks about or the way we try to communicate with our children at our sons un-school arco.
Maybe it is just me holding a hammer that makes everything look like a nail to me. But there sure seem a lot of things in different parts of my life (work, horse, family, school) to come together and lead into a similar direction… I am really curious about where this all will lead us!
Filed under: horse, horses, me as a horse owner, me as a mother, me as a reader, me as a wife | Tagged: ADHS, empathy, fear, fear of riding, job, Mary Ann Simonds, nonviolent communication, riding | Leave a Comment »