I do have some issues with standing up for myself. It is not all that obvious, as I can be very opinionated and also do love a good conflict – but only at home. Away from home and family I flinch from personal conflicts.
When it gets personal, meaning someone is critisizing me, I am a complete whimp. People do tend to critisize me a lot, I do make a good punching bag. Because I just laugh if off. It is not easy to see that I am hurt, because I react like it is ok with me. And in a way it is.
When I was a young girl my reaction to people hurting me was to cry. It was very difficult for me to learn to control that. Then I taught myself to outwardly ignore hurtful actions, to play the clown. It worked much better than crying, as no one likes a cry-baby, but a clown can be entertaining. There even was a kind of freedom with being a clown. A clown can sometimes tell the truth when others can’t.
Today I have two situations in my life that I really don’t like and where I think I should unlearn my way of dealing with personal critisism. I do tend to either accept the blame completely or to give excuses. I do take mistakes very seriously, and I had to learn the hard way that people rarely want to know why I did something wrong.
So I tried to learn how to take responsibility, but it kind of backfired. Because I myself don’t critisize others (or only in very minor, inpersonal matters, like a form not filled out correctly). To the contrary, I even do make excuses for others when they fail!
This is so bad that it was mentioned several times by my boss. I tried to stop this, but it did not work. I don’t do it on purpose and most times I don’t even realise when it happens. I guess I am doing it in some misguided hope that this will make others excuse my mistakes, too. But that never happens.
What does not help me deal with personal conflicts is my cursed ability to ALWAYS see the others point of view. How can I fight back when I am perfecly aware of the other persons reasons and feelings? To me it is impossible.
The best example for this is my riding teacher. I do deeply respect her for her ability and also she has been a very good friend to me. But she has a way to rake me down and critisize me in the most hurtful way.
When I made the decision to have my chronialy ill pony put down, she wondered aloud if I had not done it because of my financial situation. Or when I asked one of her other pupils if she wanted to move into my stable, she got angry because I was stealing her stable help. She made it sound like I was a traitor. Both accusations hurt me very deeply, and I could not fight back, because I could see how it might look like that to her.
On the other hand I really want to start dealing with her in an adult way. But knowing that I won’t be able to fight back if she attacks me again makes me retreat into myself, showing immature behaviour, acting childlike, asking for permission, moving hesitatingly – which annoys her no end and the circle starts again.
I really have no idea how to bring a major change into this pattern of mine. It is not limited to my riding teacher, I have a very similar relationship to my boss. She too is a very capable woman and I admire her. But she has a way of putting me down, of making me feel small and incapable, that makes me sick inside. I once tried to bring it up in our annual qualification meeting. And she told me to just fight back once in a while. But I can’t. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Because the situation is never black and white, I DO see the other point of view, I KNOW there is some truth in the critisim – so how can I fight against it?
I was putting all my hope on learning about Nonviolent Communication (NVC) – but sadly for the third year in a row there was not enough money in the family vault for us to go to NVC family camp like I wanted. Sniff. But I have not given up hope yet.
Filed under: me as a loser | Tagged: conflict, critisism, Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
